In September of 2007, I started this blog with
a bit of writing advice. A little over a year later, I discovered how little I
knew about writing after hearing children’s writer, In April of 2014, I figured
I’d gotten enough publications that I could share some of the things I did “right”.
I’ll keep that up, but I’m running out of pro-published stories. I don’t write
full-time, nor do I make enough money with my writing to live off of it, but
someone pays for and publishes ten percent of what I write. Hemingway’s quote
above will remain unchanged as I work to increase my writing output and sales, but
I’m adding this new series of posts because I want to carefully look at what
I’ve done WRONG and see if I can fix it. As always, your comments are welcome!
ANALOG Tag Line:
What do you do if you find out you’re not normal, but not the Next Step
in Evolution, either?
Elevator Pitch (What Did I Think I Was Trying To Say?)
Seventeen-year-old Martian
teen, Kalbin is about to graduate from high school and choose his training. He’d
overcome the handicap of having a rare blood disease that kept his body from utilizing
oxygen. What he finds out on the eve of his graduation makes matters worse after
a friend asks him if he’s one of the quasi-slave Artificial Humans. He’s not. Only
parts of his DNA are artificial; the rest are Human…
Opening Line:
“Kalbin Chang
sprinted along the edge of Burroughs Dome’s biggest park. ‘If he thinks he’s
gonna…’”
Onward:
From behind the Oldest Tree On Mars, a figure dressed in black charged
him, screaming curses. Kalbin tried to drop the ninja assassin with a football
block tackle modified to sweep the legs, but the bigger boy easily knocked him
over. Flat on his back, Kalbin stared up at the Dome.
Jerking the mask from his face so his curly black hair sprang from his
head, his best friend Waqas Tahtamouni laughed. “You’ve been ninja assassinated!”
He offered Kalbin a hand up.
Kalbin, smaller by ten kilos, took it, saying, “What are you doing?” He
glanced at his hand, “You got my heart rate going so fast I think I might have
an attack!”
Waqas’ eyes bugged, his gloat changing to contrition. “Awh la! I
didn’t mean to! Are you hǎo?”
What Was I Trying
To Say?
Not entirely sure,
though my character IS a metaphor. He represents a biracial teen – one foot in
one world; one in another completely different one. He also discovers his
father lied to him. Why? To keep him safe; to blunt the suspicions people will
have about him because he’s a half-breed. Discrimination is illegal in fact;
but not always “in mind.”
The Rest of the
Story:
Kalbin’s friend
begins to ask questions about Kalbin’s origins that he’s not ready to answer. His
friend then just flat-out asks him if he’s an Artificial Human; a subclass on
Mars that means the same as “inferior” and “slave”.
When they finish graduation
rehearsal, Kalbin confronts his father who tells him that he’s an experiment.
He refuses to tell Kalbin WHY and the teen ends up ditching his father, his friends,
and the sham that his “graduation” has become. He heads into the depths of
Burroughs, the oldest colony on Mars.
End Analysis:
I’ve learned something
lately: in order to tell a story, it has to mean something. That’s obvious. What
I learned in conjunction with that is that the story has to be both a mystery
and be layered in metaphor. This is a layered story for certain; but I think I
have TOO MANY layers for it to be effective. It’s also too short for the subject.
I was writing it for a specific market, so I didn’t have enough words to really
delve into it.
Can This Story Be
Saved?
I think so – but I
have to rethink the symbolism and metaphor here. While I wrote this using Lisa
Cron’s methodology, I’ve come lately to believe that a story has to do more
than entertain.
Of COURSE it has to
be entertaining first and foremost. Even the Bible is entertaining – sex,
murder, slavery, execution, subjugation, demonic possession, war, betrayal and
so much more; the Book is impossible to put down. (If only they’d get rid of
those nasty “judgement” and “commandment” thingies…)
But I now think that
metaphor has to be in service of the story if it’s going to not only speak to a
reader today; it’s got to be so deep that it will speak to readers tomorrow. In
fact, it has to be so deep that it can speak something NEW to the same reader
weeks, months, years, and centuries later.
A tall order for a few
thousand words. But, then doesn’t that same Bible say, “For the word of God is
living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as
the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge
the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” (Hebrews 4:12)
If I’m just
entertaining, then the sword isn’t sharp enough. If I’m just preaching, then
the sword isn’t sharp enough, either. In either case, it’s at least half dull.
No comments:
Post a Comment