WRITING ADVICE: Can This Story Be SAVED? #28 “The Deadly Rings of Saturn” (Submitted 6 Times Since February 2000, Revised 2+ Times)

In September of 2007, I started this blog with a bit of writing advice. A little over a year later, I discovered how little I knew about writing after hearing children’s writer, In April of 2014, I figured I’d gotten enough publications that I could share some of the things I did “right”. I’ll keep that up, but I’m running out of pro-published stories. I don’t write full-time, nor do I make enough money with my writing to live off of it, but someone pays for and publishes ten percent of what I write. Hemingway’s quote above will remain unchanged as I work to increase my writing output and sales, but I’m adding this new series of posts because I want to carefully look at what I’ve done WRONG and see if I can fix it. As always, your comments are welcome! 

ANALOG Tag Line: 

What do you do if you’re the youngest member of the team, and everyone dies, stranding you in the rings of Saturn.

Elevator Pitch (What Did I Think I Was Trying To Say?)

Cadet Tyron Thomson is stuck in his spacesuit, building up experience hours while cataloguing boring chunks of ice with his teammates. When the scoop catches an anomalous piece of extreme mass, which punctures the ship, killing everyone else, Tyron must get the sample to the main ship orbiting above the ring’s plane.

Opening Line:

“This is boring,” said Tyron Thomson.

Onward:

"His voice sounded loud inside his helmet as he picked up another ice ball from the rings of Saturn. With the pincers of his spacesuit, he held the chunk of ice up to his faceplate. 'Why do I have to do this?'”

"A voice suddenly said, “You’re the youngest cadet, that’s why.” 

"Tyron frowned. Rahjeesh was commander of this scoop mission, even though he was only twenty-one. Tyron said, “Why do I have to be in my space suit? It would be easier if I could just work shirtsleeves like you…”

"A second voice, Sarah LeTourneau, said, “How many hours of suit time do you have, Cadet?”

"Tyron rolled his eyes. They all knew he’d just started working on suit hours. You couldn’t start cadet training until you were thirteen. Then you needed one hundred and fifty hours until anyone would let you go into open space along. He had fourteen hours logged. Total.

"His helmet blipped. An image of an ice ball tumbling through space was projected onto the inside of his helmet. He watched as Harvester 17, the ship he was on, reached out and nearly caught the ice ball. The small Scoopship shuddered at the impact. A few minutes later, the scoop dropped it onto to conveyor. The belt moved it to Tyron’s work table, where under a bright, cold light, he measured it, weighed it, calculated the density, and classified it. All by hand.

What Was I Trying To Say?

Nothing, really. It was an “adventure” story for young adults that takes place in an exotic location. 

The Rest of the Story:

Tyron is alone, the chance of rescue slim at best, and the evidence that the “rock” that was captured by and ultimately destroyed the Ringscoop ship. 

End Analysis:

1. there was no real “purpose” to the story except to be entertaining.
2. the rest of the crew shouldn’t be in shirtsleeves…though that may or may not be a problems as the crew of the ISS is frequently in shirtsleeves.
3. the fact that these are “kids” with no “adult supervision may be a problem (could add a “virtual adults” or even a supervising AI (which is subsequently destroyed)
4. it starts slowly, though I was trying to build a sympathetic character
5. he’s alone, no one to work with, though contact with the ship alters that a bit
6. the universe I wrote this in was one of convenience, so it seemed shallow to me

Can This Story Be Saved?

Absolutely.

A couple of things I’m going to do. The first thing hearkens back to a promise I made to myself that I HADN’T when I wrote the first draft of this story 20 years ago. As a reader, I was tired of writers who created worlds for the sole purpose of making a point. Once the point was made, they flushed the world and never went back to it.

I wanted to create worlds so complex that I would run a number of stories in them at the same time; a PLACE that wasn’t solely a metaphor or a stone one which a writer could grind their particular or peculiar axe.

I was that writer when I wrote this, though when I revised it recently for a couple of submission attempts, I didn’t bother to place it in any of the three worlds I’ve imagined (if you’re interested, here’s a blog entry in which I give a brief outline of each: https://faithandsciencefiction.blogspot.com/2020/01/slice-of-pie-creating-alien-aliens.html). This time, I’ll place it in the earliest period of a universe in which we’re junior members (at best); I also call it my “Shattered Spheres” universe.

In my mind, placing it there suddenly gives a framework for me to work in. Certain things will change just because of where it’s taking place. The name of the exploration ship is the first thing! Other things stem directly from technology (for example, prior to learning better, I used the term “antigravity”. That’s not a legitimate term anymore; in fact, it’s poorly descriptive as well as not being legitimate. The term that IS in use is gravity modification, or gMod. While those may seem like minor changes, when I rename the support ship that will “save Tyron’s life”, it will be the SOLAR EXPLORER. Merely altering the name taps into an entire history I constructed prior after I wrote a novel and “built” the ship in my head. There are hierarchies, individuals who will be there, and technologies that I wasn’t able to tap into before. There are limitations as well, so all of “The Deadly Rings of Saturn” will have to be tweaked to fit the mold of the universe it will exist in.

That’s not a bad thing, either, but if I had placed it in any of there other three, there would have to be equivalent chances made. The thing is that, by placing it in the Shattered Spheres universe, it becomes not only a better story, but a RICHER story…one that may sell this time around!

Image: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/9f/22/3b/9f223b1e57a36e14db3eb13715fbe3f9.jpg