POSSIBLY IRRITATING ESSAYS (PIE, Get it?): Trying To Write Funny Is Serious Business!

On October 7, 2007, I started this blog. Sixteen years later, I am revising and doing some different things with my blog. My wife and I are now retired senior citizens, our kids are both married, we have a bonus daughter and her wife and we have three grandchildren, the oldest of which just became a teenager. I have forty-five professional publications, plus countless other publications as a slushpile reader, and sometime essay contributor to Stupefying Stories https://stupefyingstories.blogspot.com/.

These days, I write whenever I want to – or when I’m not busy exploring the world with my wife or kids or grandkids. I write, read constantly. Then I discovered that I was writing longer and longer pieces. My new focus is to write shorter; and to write HUMOR. On purpose. Maybe I can still irritate people while being funny. It works pretty well for John Scalzi! We’ll see what happens.

So, all I can do here is talk about the humorous SF I have read and attempted to write. I wrote this on February 18, 2018 – nearly six years ago. I was (if you check to the right of the column here) still nine stories from my total thus far. Of the ones published, only one could be considered an attempt at humor – that was “Doctor To the Undead” was somewhat humorous, but also had a serious point. Read it if you haven’t and let me know if I balanced the funny with the un-(funny, that is). https://stupefyingstories.blogspot.com/2021/08/doctor-to-undead-by-guy-stewart.html

This was supposed to be funny, too! It was called “Bogfather”: (https://stupefyingstories.blogspot.com/2017/12/today-on-showcase.html) Intended to be a play on words using a drifting bog island in northern Minnesota as a setting…it was supposed to reflect the lives of typical lake cabin owners here. As there have been no rave reviews (or even any comments, for that matter, though people HAVE stopped at it 410 times. Those can’t ALL be accidents!). I have to assume that the humor was lost on anyone but me (and maybe Bruce Bethke…).

But what IS humor – putting speculative fiction aside for a moment – and is it definable and something that can be intentionally created? One definition: “the tendency of particular cognitive experiences to provoke laughter and provide amusement”. To me, this means that how you evaluate an experience forces you to either make a barking sound or feel something (probably pleasant).

Ah! Here’s a REALLY helpful theory of what humor is, it’s even “endorsed by Peter McGraw [an associate professor of Marketing and Psychology at the University of Colorado Boulder], attempts to explain humour's existence. The theory says ‘humour only occurs when something seems wrong, unsettling, or threatening, but simultaneously seems okay, acceptable or safe’.” (Wikipedia)

I’ve written on humor in speculative fiction before. In the article (http://faithandsciencefiction.blogspot.com/search?q=Humor), I noted, “I have a COMEDY WRITING SECRETS book; I read THE HUMOR CODE)…I’m a funny guy. I’ve read collections of science fiction humor, too like ANALOG Science Fiction and Fact’s THE FUNNY SIDE (an old collection) and the Kelvin Throop III stories. Of course, I’ve read all of Spider Robinson’s CALLAHAN’S CROSS TIME SALOON books.” Also, here: http://faithandsciencefiction.blogspot.com/2017/05/possibly-irritating-essay-laughing.html; and here http://faithandsciencefiction.blogspot.com/2014/03/slice-of-pie-james-thurber-o-henry-mash.html; and here http://faithandsciencefiction.blogspot.com/search?q=Humor

I love to laugh, and my humor of choice is slapstick. I LOVE a good pratfall! My wife and I thoroughly enjoyed watching Despicable Me 3 – which is just one sight gag after another. I spent most of the movie laughing out loud. I should just say that she doesn’t REALLY get it. Her sense of humor is much more subtle than mine is. She enjoys the cerebral humor of M*A*S*H (which I do as well) and the movies made from the Jane Austen books. She likes the gentle humor of Barbara Streisand rather than the slapstick of Ellen DeGeneres.

I made my first sale to ANALOG with a humorous piece called “Absolute Limits” in which I hyper-exaggerated the search for a FTL drive and the tendency of Americans to take speed limits set by law enforcement to be suggestions. “Bogfather”, linked above is funny, as is one I’m shopping around called, “Titan Mission Drops Bomb” (which never hooked anyone, sadly; though I confess that that one is a bit of scatological humor that even I’m uncomfortable with!)

It also happens to be the only story I’ve ever submitted to Daily Science Fiction (recently defunct) that made it into the “Hold for further consideration” category, so maybe I’m finally getting close. So far, though, (updated), I don’t seem to be. I have a humorous piece at NATURE FUTURE that was both intentionally written to be humorous AND had an interesting science fiction idea in it as well.

I’m continuing to study humor as well as flash fiction. I think the two make a decent pair: HUMOR – Techniques To Tickle the Funny Bone (Donna Cavanaugh); THE DEER ON A BICYCLE (Patrick McManus); THE ART OF BREVITY (Grant Faulkner, “Why yes, is IS related to THAT Faulkner!”). I’ve waiting in the wings a collection of humorous SF stories collected in THIS IS MY FUNNIEST, (Isaac Asimov, Connie Willis, Josepha Sherman, and David Brin, and many others). And lastly; HAPPY TO BE HERE (Garrison Keillor, local superstar and comedian).

So, as I quest, I’ll keep y’all updated. And if you’d like, read the stories and articles I linked above! Maybe my stuff will be funny – maybe you’ll learn something about writing humor!

Inspiration: Humorous SF Fiction Lists: https://theportalist.com/13-science-fiction-books-that-will-tickle-your-funny-bone, https://www.tor.com/2016/07/14/in-praise-of-humor-in-fantasy-and-science-fiction/, https://best-sci-fi-books.com/19-funniest-science-fiction-books/, http://dailysciencefiction.com/hither-and-yon/humor, http://greatsfandf.com/humorous-books.php

And this is a REAL list!: https://io9.gizmodo.com/5950437/the-best-science-fiction-and-fantasy-novels-to-cheer-you-up-when-youre-feeling-blue, https://alexshvartsman.com/ufo-unidentified-funny-objects/, https://www.goodreads.com/list/show/4967.Best_Humorous_Fantasy_and_Science_Fiction_
Image: 

IDEAS ON TUESDAYS 608

Each Tuesday, rather than a POSSIBLY IRRITATING ESSAY, I'd like to both challenge you and lend a helping hand. I generate more speculative and teen story ideas than I can ever use. My family rolls its collective eyes when I say, "Hang on a second! I just have to write down this idea..." Here, I'll include the initial inspiration (quote, website, podcast, etc.) and then a thought or two that came to mind. These will simply be seeds -- plant, nurture, fertilize, chemically treat, irradiate, test or stress them as you see fit. I only ask if you let me know if anything comes of them. Octavia Butler said, “SF doesn’t really mean anything at all, except that if you use science, you should use it correctly, and if you use your imagination to extend it beyond what we already know, you should do that intelligently.”

SF Trope: complex planetary ecology
Current Event: “large-scale carbon capture and sequestration projects” (http://cleantechnica.com/2014/01/20/gore-rejects-geoengineering-climate-change-panacea/), http://www.theguardian.com/environment/2012/jul/18/iron-sea-carbon

Logan Andrist frowned and said, “What do you mean they’re going to dump iron into the lake?”

Nkokoyanga Pomodimo, far from her land-locked home in the Central African Republic held tight to the railing of the re-purposed iron ore freighter – a laker – as it dipped down into the swells of Lake Superior. She said, speaking loudly over the rushing wind around them, “The iron will cause algae to grow wildly. As they grow they need more carbon dioxide. As they suck up the CO2, they store the resulting carbon-rich sugars and then keep it when they die and sink to the bottom of Superior...”

“I know what carbon sequestering is! I’m a limnology major...”

She shook her head in the wild winds and shouted, “This is glorious! Feeling Gaia beneath your feet is the most...”

“Wouldn’t that technically be Poseidon? Besides, who gave them permission to do this?”

She turned to catch his gaze and he recognized her crazy, angry look as she cried back, “Who gave all you rich white colonialists the right to pollute and rape our world?”

He didn’t want to shout. What he really wanted to do was kiss her right then and there in the cold spray from the Lake – but he didn’t want a broken face, so he shouted, “I didn’t do any of that! Why are you yelling at me?”

“I’m not yelling at you,” she shouted. “I’m yelling TO you!”

“What’s that,” the nose of the laker dove deep, nearly flooding the deck and driving a mountain of spray over them. The water was frigid despite the hot August sun burning down on them through breaks in the scudding clouds. He wiped his face clear of water and finished, “Supposed to mean?”

“You’re not to blame, old friend, but you are responsible! That’s why the captain of this tub is an old white man!”

“Professor Buddlorem’s driving the ship? We have to go save all of our lives!” Logan let go of the railing; Nkokoyanga grabbed him and pulled him tight.

“The computer is doing most of the driving! He’s just playing captain!”

Logan eyed her warily the said, “How are we supposed to get all this iron into Lake Superior?”

‘Ko’ grinned and shouted, “Now that’s the tricky part!”

Names: ♀ Central African Republic, Gbaya; ♂ Minnesota, Minnesota

Image: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/e/e1/Falcon_9_Demo-2_Launching_6_%283%29.jpg/220px-Falcon_9_Demo-2_Launching_6_%283%29.jpg

IDEA ON TUESDAY 607

Each Tuesday, rather than a POSSIBLY IRRITATING ESSAY, I'd like to both challenge you and lend a helping hand. I generate more speculative and teen story ideas than I can ever use. My family rolls its collective eyes when I say, "Hang on a second! I just have to write down this idea..." Here, I'll include the initial inspiration (quote, website, podcast, etc.) and then a thought or two that came to mind. These will simply be seeds -- plant, nurture, fertilize, chemically treat, irradiate, test or stress them as you see fit. I only ask if you let me know if anything comes of them. Regarding horror, I found this insight in line with WIRED FOR STORY: “ We seek out…stories which give us a place to put our fears…Stories that frighten us or unsettle us - not just horror stories, but ones that make us uncomfortable or that strike a chord somewhere deep inside - give us the means to explore the things that scare us…” – Lou Morgan (The Guardian)

H Trope: Ghost Towns
Current Event: http://www.ghosttowns.com/states/mn/taconiteharbor.html

Mary Croft may have been the only certified dredge operator on the North Shore of Lake Superior – but she hadn’t expected to be the ONLY operator in the abandoned town of Taconite Harbor.

The dredge she captained was mostly operated by an “artificial intelligence idiot”, which was why she was required by Great Lakes Dredge and Dock Company to actually direct the floating suction dredge boat. The harbor was a small one, the taconite loads mostly taken out by rail, and the robots inside did most of the work in the town.

Her job would take a week and the company wanted her to work as much time as possible, so they’d given her one of the floating suction dredgers with an actual bed, galley and deck. “Henry?” she said.

“Please call me Hal,” said the idiot.

She shook her head. “I’d rather not. I have an original DVD of the old movie 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY.”

“You can’t,” said Henry.

“I can’t what?”

“Have an original DVD. The movie 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY was filmed in 1967 and premiered in 1968. The first true DVD was not manufactured for movies until 1995.”

“You know what I mean."

“I do not.”

She sighed and shook her head. “Let’s call it a day and shut down operations,” she said, tapping the shutdown key on the flat screen.

“Very good, ma’am.”

Mary rolled her eyes toward the ceiling and stepped out on the deck. Henry would take it from here until the actual docking procedure which she would do in the gloaming. She loved that word, she thought, unfolding and dropping into the lawn chair she kept carefully stored until the end of the day. No one would have said anything if she’d lounged about all day, issuing orders to Henry via her cellphone, but that had never worked for her. When she did a job, she wanted to actually DO something. For the time being, however, Henry was working hard pulling in and storing the collapsible pipe they used to siphon sediment from the floor of the harbor. It was pumped to a barge where it was dried and shipped down to Duluth for further processing or shipment to central North American markets.

The sun had fallen behind the steep shoreline to her left. It was a calm evening, a choice night on the cool waters of Superior. Such a night was rare enough to make her sigh.

Farther out across the water, to her right on the lake, waves rippled like a thin band of diamonds reflecting sunset light.

What was left of the town was now invisible as was the power plant. It had once operated on coal and had had a solar conversion during the third term of America’s first black president. There was no one left living there.

When the three remaining streetlights farther up the shore, intermittently lining the stretch of road that had once been the main street of the long-abandoned town, abruptly lit, she frowned.

When lights on either side of the abandoned basketball court at the near end of the street, close to Taconite Harbor itself, suddenly lit, the hairs on the back of her neck stood up. She went into the boathouse and grabbed a pair of digital binoculars, took them out and scanned the shoreline.

The lights were gone.

Frowning, she lowered the binoculars and rubbed her eyes. When she looked again, the lights were on and in the distance was the slow, faint thup-thup-thup of a basketball bouncing...

Names: ♀ Hebrew, English; ♂, acronym of: Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer; also “a venerable nickname for Henry, Harry and Harold, famously used by Shakespeare in King Henry IV as the name of the king's son, the future Henry V”

Image: https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/51niGRrH6DL.jpg

WRITING ADVICE: Short Stories – Advice and Observation #23: Sarah Pinsker “& Me”

In this feature, I’ll be looking at “advice” for writing short stories – not from me, but from other short story writers. In speculative fiction, “short” has very carefully delineated categories: “The Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America specifies word lengths for each category of its Nebula award categories by word count; Novel 40,000 words or over; Novella 17,500 to 39,999 words; Novelette 7,500 to 17,499 words; Short story under 7,500 words.”

I’m going to use advice from people who, in addition to writing novels, have also spent plenty of time “interning” with short stories. While most of them are speculative fiction writers, I’ll also be looking at plain, old, effective short story writers. The advice will be in the form of one or several quotes off of which I’ll jump and connect it with my own writing experience. While I don’t write full-time, nor do I make enough money with my writing to live off of it...neither do most of the professional writers...someone pays for and publishes ten percent of what I write. When I started this blog, that was NOT true, so I may have reached a point where my own advice is reasonably good. We shall see as I work to increase my writing output and sales! As always, your comments are welcome!

Without further ado, short story observations by Sarah Pinsker – with a few from myself…

SP: “Some stories simply need more time. The ideas need breathing room, or the author needs time to develop the skills to write it. I took my novelette “Wind Will Rove” to the Sycamore Hill peer workshop in 2015, then put it aside for a year before revising it. The advice at the workshop was encouraging and thoughtful, but I knew I wasn’t ready to do the work necessary to transform a good draft into the story I thought it could be. I thought about it during that time, and how to make the changes, all without touching the document again until I thought I was ready.”

I can very much understand this. I’d written a serial novel that I wanted to compile and create a “real” novel. I finished that 11 years ago! I knew I had nowhere NEAR the skill it would take to mold all of those bits and pieces into a coherent Kim Stanley Robinson GREEN MARS-length novel.

And yet, now that I have the skills necessary (NOT THAT IT WAS EASY!!!) I finished THAT job this past summer. Then the ROM on my computer died and the finished book is locked in Memory Limbo. I found I had to take it and split it into two books in order to submit it to the ONLY publisher who might be interested in handling it. But skill-wise, I was ready.

SP: “My goal is to make…rushed stories the exception, rather than the rule. I’ve come around to the theory that those situations come up and need to be handled, but most stories are better for a little aging.”

Lately, I’ve set myself a personal challenge: learn to write humorous SF. I know – only funny people can write funny!

I have since found that that isn’t true – I KNOW I’m a funny person; especially to teenagers. I could crack a class up given half a chance, and have the group laughing without too much trouble. Of course, dealing with teens, most of my humor is self-deprecatory! The fact that I’m writing flash makes me want to send the thing off the INSTANT it’s finished. But, while I HAVE sold pieces that have a good sense of humor, those are few and far-between. Sending them off right away usually means a quick (or lengthy!) generic rejection – mostly because, as Pinsker notes, “…most stories are better for a little aging.” I’m either impatient – or I’m afraid to send something out. It’s been rejected once or twice, and I look at it and tell myself it’s rotten and certainly not the worth the pain of subbing it a half dozen times.

Hesitation is the BIGGER issue for me, but I’m guilty of sending things our FAR from finished.

“…Sturgeon writes, ‘ask the next question.’ That’s what my first-draft-and-out-the-door stories lack. A first draft has all the shine of the original inspiration, if I’m lucky enough to have removed it from my head intact, but it’s often superficial. It has good bones, some turns of phrase I’m pleased with, characters and structure that carried me through. And yet it often lacks depth. The ‘why’ or the ‘and then’ to the ‘what if?’”

“A story I’ve finished without rush has time to go to one of my critique partners.”

I’ve almost never had a critique partner – I find they’re not particularly helpful to me. That probably says more about ME than it does about the idea of finding someone you can trust enough to offer advice to you (and who isn’t PAYING YOU to take their advice!) However, as evidence, I offer the following.

I tried to join a children’s writers group. To see what they thought of a story I’d actually sold already to CRICKET The Magazine for Children. I handed out copies and the next meeting the unanimous verdict of the group was that there were things they DID like about, it just wasn’t ready to be sent to CRICKET (“Heaven forbid! They’d never buy anything like this!”) The fact was that, the editor HAD bought the story. It was also purchased for supplemental reading for a programmed Fourth Grade Reader series. I never went back.

Finally, in March of 2019, an interviewer at B&N Reads made this statement: “A wealth of varied lived experience comes through in these stories. At the same time, the focus is often on the future—an apocalyptic, post-climate change landscape. The result is what feels like an extended love song to the world, as it feels like much of what we know is about to slip away.”

SP responded, “I can’t tell you how much I love this take on my stories. Also, this may be a short answer, because yes. I feel like anyone who is paying attention is scared right now. I can’t shake a feeling of decay, and yet I still see beauty everywhere. I meet wonderful people. I have a new dog who has invented the fifty cutest ways to sleep. I have nieces and nephews who bring me constant joy. I get to go amazing places and see amazing things. But there are also progresses that I would have said were permanent a few years ago that now feel fragile. There’s a combination of beauty and brokenness just permeates everything.”

I was a science teacher for 41 years, and I still teach a summer school class on creating realistic aliens. I’m fairly accomplished with both communicating science and I often read journals and studies for my writing. (Most recently: “Importance of silicon and mechanisms of biosilica formation in plants” (Sahebi M, Hanafi MM, Siti Nor Akmar A, Rafii MY, Azizi P, Tengoua FF, Nurul Mayzaitul Azwa J, Shabanimofrad M. Importance of silicon and mechanisms of biosilica formation in plants; https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25685787/ )

DIGRESSION: [I have both trouble believing and trouble hearing people who think so highly of Humanity that they fervently and violently believe that we’ve somehow created the power in ourselves to alter the climate of this planet so profoundly that there appears to be a certainty that we have, as a race of some 8 billion individuals doomed not just ourselves, but all other life on Earth to permanent extinction.

These people, many of them intelligent, learned scientists seem to have, for some reason, forgotten that “The mass [of the Chicxulub Crater impact object] is in the range of 1.0e15 kg to 4.6e17 kg (30,000 gigatonnes)”. (https://arxiv.org/abs/1403.6391#:~:text=The%20mass%20is%20in%20the,in%20the%20K%2FPg%20layer.) It did not obliterate all life on Earth.

The current mass of Humanity is hard to find, but Smithsonian Magazine in May of 2018 baldly proclaimed, “Of the 550 gigatons of biomass carbon on Earth…humans [weigh] in at 0.06 gigatons. (33 gigatonnes)”. [Of course, it's not the same thing. I'm trying to make a point!]  (https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/humans-make-110000th-earths-biomass-180969141/)

The Chicxulub meteorite was unable to obliterate all life on Earth. “Humankind is revealed as simultaneously insignificant and utterly dominant in the grand scheme of life on Earth by a groundbreaking new assessment of all life on the planet.” [What does this even mean? What is the unit of “utterly dominant in the grand scheme of life on Earth”? It sounds like an emotional estimate of the grandeur and power of Humanity – calculated by a Human.]

The Chicxulub meteorite accelerated the extinction of most of the dinosaurs, it didn’t cause life on Earth to end entirely. I doubt very much that if we cause our own extinction through climate change, no matter how egregious the insult to the planet is; that ALL LIFE ON EARTH WILL BE DONE FOR. We are NOT God or gods or even a particularly grand force of nature. LIFE will exist on Earth after our demise. And while we might accelerate our extinction a bit, I doubt in the long-run it will make much difference. We’re programed to believe or reason or think that we and all our stuff will last forever. But for strict materialists, that’s absurd. It’s all gonna vanish eventually, and on a geological scale, whether we’ve “become a dominant force in shaping the face of Earth,” or not, Humans will be gone someday. But I’m pretty sure the spirit we think is unique to us will still remain...I think it's one of my missions to write hopeful; even humorous fiction. That's what I'm working on...

References: AMAZON Page – https://www.amazon.com/stores/author/B07Q73JJB1/allbooks?ingress=0&visitId=6546f4b0-4386-4c89-8198-a9a9856052c1&store_ref=ap_rdr&ref_=ap_rdr; https://clarkesworldmagazine.com/another_word_10_18/; https://sarahpinsker.com/interviews

Image: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhK6miXJMTMNyB3kzq-r6I2LVCTZJj0CDS0dPV2Qapl6e9rZPuHx2u5QKcKT1QGeDg1_tPMv-lpnuSr_eiBjwPXmex9mcgtuH2-SUtZEpGWV0_HdtJQelVt5K69NulJBUqNju5GNjHgQibXsIo4NeWpTOj4ai85jCRjMHOtwtkqshzxFvZPUSjXZNq6=s320

IDEAS ON TUESDAY 606

Each Tuesday, rather than a POSSIBLY IRRITATING ESSAY, I'd like to both challenge you and lend a helping hand. I generate more speculative and teen story ideas than I can ever use. My family rolls its collective eyes when I say, "Hang on a second! I just have to write down this idea..." Here, I'll include the initial inspiration (quote, website, podcast, etc) and then a thought or two that came to mind. These will simply be seeds -- plant, nurture, fertilize, chemically treat, irradiate, test or stress them as you see fit. I only ask if you let me know if anything comes of them. Regarding Fantasy, this insight was startling: “I see the fantasy genre as an ever-shifting metaphor for life in this world, an innocuous medium that allows the author to examine difficult, even controversial, subjects with impunity. Honor, religion, politics, nobility, integrity, greed—we’ve an endless list of ideals to be dissected and explored. And maybe learned from.” – Melissa McPhail.

Trope: Allergic To Evil
Current Event: http://www.theregister.co.uk/2014/03/20/satan_dinosaur_chickens_hell/

Andre Xavier Xavier, a Bryshwyn of Bryshwyns, the turban on his head release more than its usual curl of very pale, very curly hair. The curls sprang out all around.

As well, a line of monks striding in loose exercise uniforms keeping cadence happened by at that moment. Andre used a vulgar word that made even Raven Zoe Jefferson, a Nobody of Nobodys blush in embarrassment. The lead monk called a different cadence and they set off at a faster pace. Zoe said, “If I’d shouted that, I’d be in the gym for the next forty hours.”

“That’s not true!” Andre exclaimed.

Fendwyri Alyn Wader, whose family enabled music to communicate in addition to entertaining, walked by and said, “Of course it is, Bryshwyn! If it wasn’t for our kind, the Vacancy would be permanently filled with evil.”

“I thought you were allergic to evil, Wader?” Andre shot at the older boy.

Fendwyri spun around, eyes narrowing to slits as he shot back, “Aren’t you late to meditation?”

“Aren’t you?” The musician opened his mouth to snarl a reply then turned and ran.

Andre muttered the first syllables of another enablement.

Zoe kicked him in the shin, turned and sprinted after Fendwyri, snapped, “No more!” She passed the older boy who, once he thought he was out of their reach had slowed down to a jog. Now he exclaimed and tried to speak an enablement over her, so she spun, swept his feet out from under him and sprinted into the Canis Abbey proper, barely out of breath. She skipped to a halt, then strode to the front, plopped down on the bench then lifted her eyes to contemplate the slowly turning obsidian sphere hanging from the Abbey’s vaulted ceiling. No one noticed her because as she sat, Andre and Fendwyri came in.

The whispers started at the back of the nave and swept forward. Zoe ignored them until the older boy abruptly appeared next to her. She didn’t know if he enabled the floor to carry him faster than he could walk, but it didn’t matter as, glaring down at her, he whispered, “That’s the last time...”

The air around them grew cold and squeezing her eyes tightly closed, she only assumed her breath exhaled in a white cloud. A booming voice said, “All students will be seated and silent during meditations.” It was a standard warning. The University surveillance system could easily have generated it. However, it would not have added, “Masters Wader and Xavier and Mister Jefferson will please report to the commissariat following meditations.”

There was a faint rustle – though with the building now all ears no one dared actually speak – as everyone moved at the same time. Zoe kept her eyes closed as someone passed in front of her and sat down and someone dropped down next to her on her other side. She opened her eyes, but focused on the sphere instead of trying to look left or right.

The knees on either side of her gave them away as the colors were obviously Wader Green and Xavier Sable. Her own colors were Poor Girl Whatever. Instead of fear though, anger welled inside of her. What right did these two boys have placing her in between their familial feud? What right did either of them presume that she would be on “their” side in an arguments. Fendwyri was nice enough to her when they were alone. She considered Andre a good friend.

Her real enemy lived up the hall from her in the women’s dorm – Semolina Nyanchi Fieldthwaite. The girl with the amazing hair and the attitude to willingly flaunt it. The source of her control over enabling the growth of anything from snowflakes to Tower Trees, she was also a member of a family that had once shared the power of filling the Vacancy.

Now she just annoyed Raven and constantly made snide remarks. She tried focusing on the sphere again, finally and slowly calming her turbulent head games, when a cry went up from outside, “Syzhin devils!”

The assembly leaped to its feet as the land raid siren began its mournful wail, echoing even to the depths of the University; everyone rushing to defend the battlements against the scourge of the world.

Names: ♀ Popular African American name, Australian Capital Territory, Common African American last name; ♂ Popular American name, Brazil
Image: https://i.pinimg.com/originals/98/71/e5/9871e52bbc09c525af21b8f6471eab15.jpg

Slice of PIE: “NEW OBSERVATION SHOWS CHRISTIANS BETTER PREPARED FOR ALIEN FIRST CONTACT THAN MATERIALIST SCIENTISTS!”

Now that I have your attention, let me continue in a slightly more serious vein and offer you some evidence for the statement above.

What sparked this was the song, “Be Still” by the band Storyside:B. Follow the link, listen to the Youtube and then come back here:

"Be Still" by Storyside:B (with lyrics) - YouTube

The chorus reiterates over and over that “we are not alone”.

*ninety degree turn*

World-class astronomer, space popularizer and the author of the book that became the movie, CONTACT, believed in his heart of hearts and “…spent [his life] trying to establish links between strange phenomena and the existence of life in outer space…Carl Sagan theorized that alien life such as bacteria exist not only in our planet but throughout the universe. He also insisted that it is impossible that no other intelligent life exists in the universe other than on Earth.” http://www.buzzle.com/articles/aliens-are-there-aliens.html (

I note that this statement is not a direct quote as I could not find out when or where it originated. Many websites repeat this statement.) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carl_Sagan. Based on some 138 quotes attributed to Carl Sagan’s writings (http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/10538.Carl_Sagan), I think it is safe to say that he was a materialist. Materialism is a position that believes that all things that are real have a material or physical substance. It discounts any metaphysical reality. www.postmodernpsychology.com/Postmodernism_Dictionary.html

Yet it's clear that there is absolutely no evidence whatsoever that life exists off of Earth. Believe me when I say that I would be the first person in line to see incontrovertible evidence that "we are not alone." Really. I've been dreaming of aliens since I read THE SPACESHIP UNDER THE APPLE TREE by Louis Slobodkin in sixth grade.

Yet, many scientists do not hesitate to say that they “believe” that there is such life. You can get a degree in a completely IMAGINARY science called "Astrobiology" from places like Pennsylvania State University and Harvard -- both of which are "Ivy League Colleges", which typically don't grant degrees in imaginary disciplines. Why is it imaginary? Because for your typical astrobiologist -- there is NOTHING TO STUDY (except countless theories and speculation that "those things in Martian Meteorite AH 84001" -- which currently half of the scientists believe are fossilized signs of life; the other half believing that they are the fossilized remains of a chemical reaction...)

 (I submit that based on their previous track record of non-belief in the unseeable and an inability to accept anything that does not have physical substance, that scientific materialists are intellectually, culturally, and spiritually UNPREPARED to believe in alien life and will be poor choices for First Contact.

People of faith, on the other hand, have plenty of experience with the belief that Humans are NOT alone in the universe. I cannot speak with authority for any faith other than Christian, but I've learned that Hebrews 12:1 says: “...we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us…” Romans 8:38 also hints at the belief that we are not alone in the universe: “For I am convinced that neither…angels, nor principalities…nor powers…will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

People of deep faith KNOW that they are not alone in the universe. We have contemplated it, believed it, lived it, prayed it and for us, “others out there” is a matter not only of faith, but of incontrovertible, EVERY DAY fact.

Materialist scientists can only IMAGINE really, really hard that there is life in the universe -- whether single cells someplace other than on Earth; and hope really hard that there is intelligent life in the universe and hope that it’s possible that their imagination is factual.

Who would you rather have talking to the Klingons the first time – someone who has always known that that they were not alone and spoken regularly and intelligently with some "Other" who is not Human?

Or would you like someone who just found out that their imagination wasn’t anywhere near weird enough and are now tongue-tied or babbling incoherently as the Other is suddenly standing in front of them?

image: https://media.istockphoto.com/id/1362550341/photo/alien-and-man-meet-and-handshake-on-planet.jpg?s=1024x1024&w=is&k=20&c=ww-nweT_wvRGzJKNWNIBGUZVIRXiFXiG1uFSHLYJjT4=

IDEAS ON TUESDAYS 605

Each Tuesday, rather than a POSSIBLY IRRITATING ESSAY, I'd like to both challenge you and lend a helping hand. I generate more speculative and teen story ideas than I can ever use. My family rolls its collective eyes when I say, "Hang on a second! I just have to write down this idea..." Here, I'll include the initial inspiration (quote, website, podcast, etc.) and then a thought or two that came to mind. These will simply be seeds -- plant, nurture, fertilize, chemically treat, irradiate, test or stress them as you see fit. I only ask if you let me know if anything comes of them. Octavia Butler said, “SF doesn’t really mean anything at all, except that if you use science, you should use it correctly, and if you use your imagination to extend it beyond what we already know, you should do that intelligently.”

SF Trope: sanitation in the future is non-existent in cities…
Current Event: http://www.smh.com.au/world/mexico-city-fails-to-solve-its-garbage-crisis-20120127-1qlr2.html, http://fryingpannews.org/2012/02/09/big-step-taken-to-resolve-las-trash-crisis/

Trey Jackson and his family live in rural Nebraska – but the city of Omaha is a big part of their lives.

Especially the smell.

The city has been nearly buried under its own waste since, in 2029, the state legislature banned Omaha from dumping outside of a 20 mile radius. While few people in the CITY agreed to the law, legislators from outside the urban areas voted them down.

In 2041, Omaha has been walled in and in order to deal with the trash situation, they have moved their garbage to the edge of the city and hire companies to come in and search through the trash to find reusable, recyclable and useful things. Because the US economy slid into The Really Great Depression after an unprecedented eight Democratic Party dominated legislatures from 2008 through 2040, few people work – but everyone continues to produce garbage.

Trey and his family are part of a garbage caravan heading into Omaha to collect and distribute the trash West. When they arrive, they make camp in their covered wagons in Collector’s City and file for a permit to dig through the trash of a particular dump Trey’s dad and mom have researched. His twelve little brothers and sisters wait for their permit to clear.

In the meantime, Trey’s parents allow him to take the older of the siblings to the Collector’s Carnival. There he meets the amazing Francine La Flesche, descendant of the Indigenous people for who the city is named. She’s not supposed to be there, though.

In fact, she’s missing from her parent’s home – and they are powerful lawyers deep in the center of Omaha, living among the city’s wealthy elite. On the Ferris wheel ride, as it stops so that they are at the top and can see the Core City, she tells him she’s run away to see the world and was wondering if she can go with his family…

Names: ♀ France ; ♂ Latin

Image: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/e/e1/Falcon_9_Demo-2_Launching_6_%283%29.jpg/220px-Falcon_9_Demo-2_Launching_6_%283%29.jpg

POSSIBLY IRRITATING ESSAYS: Alien Humor? "Foipiargnaaadi"

On October 7, 2007, I started this blog – and NO, I’M NOT DONE BLOGGING!!! – I’d just hit the half-century mark, and I had nine professional publications. My son was 20, my daughter 16; and my wife and I had celebrated our 21st wedding anniversary two months earlier.

Today, August 31, 2023, sixteen years later, I am revising and doing some different things with my blog. My wife and I are now retired senior citizens, our kids are both married, we have a bonus daughter and her wife and we have three grandchildren, the oldest of which just became a teenager. I have forty-five professional publications, plus countless other publications as a slushpile reader, and sometime essay contributor to Stupefying Stories (https://stupefyingstories.blogspot.com/). These days, I write whenever I want to and I’m not busy exploring the world with my wife or kids or grandkids. I’m working on my writing, reading constantly, and because I discovered that was writing longer and longer pieces, I thought I might focus on saying what I need to say in fewer words. I also discovered that I CAN’T write humor, even though I can TALK humor (several people will attest to that; the biggest proof is that I can make most of a room of 30 middle-schoolers laugh at something I’ve intentionally set up.

My GOAL is to learn to write short humor. To that end, I’ve been both reading about humor and trying my hand at writing short humor pieces. So, I’ll be posting both musings on humor and experiments in writing science fiction humor here from time to time. Today is one of those times.

I think our sense of humor makes us Human…and that ALL OF US play with language in order to make ourselves laugh. Take for example the silly words we create.

HOBBIT: The vast majority of those of you reading this know that this word is a pronoun denoting a very specific imaginary being as depicted in JRR Tolkien’s LORD OF THE RINGS novels. He invented the word.

NARNIA: A large number of you know that this is a proper noun attached to an imaginary land found in the works of English author, C. S. Lewis. He invented the word.

PERN: Many of you know that this is an acronym from an interplanetary survey done by a future Humanity imagined by Anne McCaffrey. It stands for Parallel Earth Resources Negligible. For some of us, that abbreviation explodes into memories of a world colonized by Humans seeking a simpler, agrarian existence on an alien world inhabited by nothing that seemed capable of harming us. Fate of course constantly surprises – and Pern was a cyclical victim of an alien plague that jumped from an eccentrically orbiting moon. Humans had to bioengineer a creature to combat these “threads”. From tiny, harmless flying lizards who could also teleport themselves when face with grave danger; Humans gengineered telepathic dragons…

FOIPIARGNAAADI: None of you will recognize this as a word meaning something like “the humorous power of made up words”. That’s because myself, my wife and four young adults (two of them related to us, two of them not) invented it one night playing an impromptu game of SCRABBLE®. We even invented a grammar: the triple “a” pluralizes the word and the suffix “di” feminizes the noun. Why did we do this then conclude the game with gales of laughter?

I think it’s because on Earth, language (and the humor it creates) is innate and perhaps even unique to Humans. Don’t get me wrong. Every living thing communicates. There are levels of communication as well. Few people would question that flax plants and flatworms communicate differently than orcas and octopi.

There is good evidence that certain animals have a sense of humor: Dogs, meerkats and rats laugh…chimpanzees, bonobos, gorillas and orangutans do, too. Chimpanzees and bonobos, our closest relatives, have the most human-like laughter. The Dogs of Spokane laugh, as do ravens and dolphins – at least provisionally. However, I think I’m safe in saying that two adult chimpanzees with four young adult chimpanzees in a safe environment at a Primate Research Center somewhere; would be unlikely to make up a word, create a simple grammar then find the whole thing amusing.

I contend that it is the “spark of the divine” (aka God) in us that gives Humans the ability to use language of extreme complexity. In the Bible, Numbers 22 tells the tale of a man who was beating his donkey who had refused to walk past an angel because it recognized that the angel was about to kill the man. The man’s name was Balaam. In the end, the angel granted the donkey the ability to speak to the man. Even the rankest “animals-are-the-same-as-humans” activist and those who believe that animals deserve all the protection granted humans under law, would find it hard to credit this story as fact. At best, I could muster up enough BELIEF to grant that it might be possible. Even so, when talking about having a sense of humor, there are more complex ways to communicate and simpler ways to communicate.

Humor is communication at its most complex and least understood. “What makes us special is the range and amount of laughter we seek and produce, which in large part stems from our unique evolution, as well as our culture. Indeed, as Martin writes: ‘…being able to enjoy humor and express it through laughter seems to be an essential part of what it means to be human.’” (SURVIVAL OF THE FUNNIEST)

It is the complexity of humor that separates us from the animals. While it’s been said that “a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type a given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare.” (The Infinite Monkey Theorem: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infinite_monkey_theorem ), the same article goes on to explain that the obvious meaning isn’t the significant meaning of this statement. Monkeys aren’t going to write “Much Ado About Nothing” because monkeys aren’t Human. I suppose, though that it might be that monkeys would write a MONKEY equivalent of “Much Ado About Nothing” – but would a Human find it funny?

If or when we meet sapient aliens, will we be able to share a sense of Humor? I suppose that the family of STAR TREK aliens might be able to. Supposedly Humans, Cardassians, and Klingons – and at the end of the episode, Romulans, implying that Vulcans, Ferengi, Bajorans, Tellarites, Andorians, and all other Humanoids in and near the Federation are descended from a single race of sapient aliens who “seeded our” part of the galaxy with their DNA. It makes sense that Klingons and Humans can laugh together; certainly that Cardassians and Humans can forge relationships based on humor, and while Vulcans and Humans don’t “laugh together” per se, they can certainly share a sense of humor.

All this to say that we play with language in order to make ourselves laugh. It MAY be possible, but unlikely that Humans and aliens can EVER share a laugh, though I suppose they MAY share some sort of alcoholic (or its metabolic equivalent) beverage that would ease relationship tensions.

I am working at being able to WRITE funny for my fellow Humans – whose to say that an alien wouldn’t find my writing funny!

Sources: https://english.elpais.com/science-tech/2023-07-29/do-animals-have-a-sense-of-humor-this-scientist-has-been-tickling-rats-for-years-to-prove-it.html, https://exploringyourmind.com/do-animals-have-a-sense-of-humor-science-says-yes/, https://www.smallanimalplanet.com/the-science-behind-animal-laughter-do-animals-have-a-sense-of-humor/, Survival of the Funniest: A review of Rod Martin, Psychology of Humor: An Integrative Approach https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/147470490800600111 Image: https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/qWigLxdUzjXa6hmKdQGGuY.jpg